Remembering Margaret Mary Conner

On this the 5th anniversary of 9/11 I am here to remember Margaret Mary Conner. She was 57 years old.
She worked as the "gatekeeper" at Cantor Fitzgerald, a receptionist who was the first person people saw when they got off the elevator on the 103rd floor of 1 World Trade Center. She is one of approximately 700 employees of Cantor Fitzgerald believed to have died in the terrorist attacks that day.
For many of the young women who worked there she was the relationship therapist. Her daughter Corrine said "she was just very open and very eager to be there for anyone".
A tribute I found left by co-worker David Bellows, said it well.
"Margaret: Your smile always greeted me in the morning. Your uplifting voice carried me through the day. You never chased me away as I sang Christian gospel to you. May you rest with the Lord. God bless. "

It is obvious to me that Margaret was loved. She lived a full life surrounded by people who loved and cared for her. While looking for information about Margaret I found many tributes to her online.

Margaret was married . She and her second husband Michael Conner* had been married for 13 years and spent nearly every moment of their free time together, often frequenting Broadway plays and dining out. They loved to dine on the Third Avenue in Bay Ridge at restaurants such as the Pearl Room and Ponte Vecchio. They enjoyed strolling along the promenade and watching the boats pass through the narrows. Everyday they recorded and watched Margaret's favorite soap opera, "The Young and The Restless"....(now that's a devoted husband). Weekends were often spent in Connecticut with Margaret's daughter (from her first marriage)and her family.

She was the second of seven children, she loved to travel and for many years resided in other parts of the country, including San Francisco and Las Vegas. She married Michael* in 1987 and moved back to New York approximately 4 years prior to 9/11. About a year after moving to New York she started working at Cantor Fitzgerald. She loved her job and the people there.

A tribute posted by her then 9 year old granddaughter Nicole said "We miss you very much". "You are very special to us and even though you are not here, we know you will always be with us each and everyday"! "We Love you".....Nicole.

Margaret was also committed to her daily Bible study. On September 11 her study passage was about the healing and renewal of God. Mr. Conner admits that after reading that passage the next day he was furious with God, but then after rereading the passage realized that God had fulfilled his message to her and she was now in a place where His ever-renewing life was coursing throughout her body.

It was important to me to do this tribute. In the past when remembering 9/11 I would always go back and read the New York Times "Portraits of Grief" that were published in the paper after 9/11. I thought it was my duty to honor as many of these people as possible by reading their stories. I would spend hours trying to get as many read as I could. I am drawn to their stories out of curiosity, yes , but more importantly from my belief that they should never be forgotten. I want Margaret's friends and family to know that I will always think of her, especially on September 11th. I am sorry that she was lost on that horrible day.

*In my research of Margaret I found two references to her husband. One given by her sister where she referred to him as Michael and in another article it stated his name as Frank. I decided to "trust" the article quoted by her sister and used Michael. If I am in error I appologize and would be happy to correct it if someone who knew them could email or post to me.

I did it!

I finished my first semester back in college in 21 years. I did it and I received an "A "in Math and an "A "in a communications course I took. It was not easy, but I have to admit it was easier then I ever thought it could be. My confidence has now gone from I think I can to I know I can although things are going to get harder for me as I proceed on with my goal.

You have to understand that I was a girl who while I did well in high school my focus was on art , boys and partying as much as I could. The tales of my partying escapades would probably curl your hair. I did remain responsible as far as school went. I took algebra and geometry so I could go to college knowing full well I didn't need them to achieve my goal of becoming an artist so I really didn't apply myself nor did I remember a single thing from that era. It turns out that it is good that I don't remember a single thing from those math classes. My wonderful instructor in college taught me from scratch using "short cuts" she developed over 42 years of teaching math...she is fabulous! I found out that I am quite smart, but more than that I am determined. My husband keeps telling me that the instructors will see my effort and that it counts and by god I think he may be right. I have learned that being an older adult in college means I work harder. After all I am now paying for this endeavor literally. My parents paid for college last time and somehow now it means more that I am doing that part.

Two weeks have passed since I first started writing this post and tomorrow I start my fall semester. I will be taking 4 classes. I am nervous, but excited at the same time and oddly enough I am looking forward to my algebra class. I learned that I really like math...go figure.
Wish me luck!

Please check back on 9/11 for my tribute to Margaret Mary Conner...she was lost that horrible day 5 years ago in the World Trade Center.

I have been tagged 2

I say 2 because I wrote this whole thing once, posted it and it worked. Then I went back in to finish an older draft and now this one disappeared and wouldnt re-post. I hope this works or I will be sad.

Tagged
By http://becoming-a-doctor.blogspot.com. I am thrilled that he actually took the time to read my blog and yes it is time to post again. I am taking a break from telling my story which leads me to the place that I am currently in....finishing my undergrad so that I can hopefully attend medical school some day. I am nearing the end of my first semester back in college in 21 years...yes, I said 21 years. I am doing well in both of my classes, which is good because my self esteem needed a boost to get me to where I want to be...a doctor. I just recently found the becoming-a-doctor blog myself also through Fat Doctor...one of my favorites. I spend way too much time reading other doctor/medical blogs that I never have time to get here so thanks to "Origin" for giving me a much needed nudge. Ok so here goes.....
One book that changed your life? "Hot Lights, Cold Steel: Life, Death and Sleeples Nights in a Surgeons First Years". by Michael Collins.
Up until recently I pretty much read fiction and none of it "changed" my life in any capacity, but when I decided I wanted to be a doctor I started reading any book I could find that would tell me how things worked. This was one of the first one's that I read and I have to say reading it was when I became serious about it.
2. One book you have read more than once? "Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean M. Auel. This was many, many years ago and I really cannot say right now why I enjoyed this book so much that I read it twice.
3. One book you would want on a desert island? I guess I would want a survivors guide as well. My son has one maybe he would borrow it to me?
4. One book that made you laugh? It was a book about stories from the ER. I cannot remember the name and I have already turned it in to Half Price Books...but there was a section about foreign body removals that totally cracked me up.
5. One book that made you cry? My college math book...no I am kidding. I really cannot think of one that made me cry. When I read I totally enjoy it, but once I am done I tend to forget. Gee I hope I have better retention for school...LOL
6. One book you wish had been written? A truthful epic about what being a parent is really like...trust me nothing can prepare you for that.
7. One book you wish had never had been written? Can't say that I have an opinion on this one. But I do agree with becoming-a-doctor about all of the kill/hurt/hate/ etc. that goes on among the different religions of the world. Why can't people be much more tolerant of each other and their thinking? It would make things a lot easier.
8. One book you are currently reading? I am reading:"Cutting Remarks: Insights and Recollections of a Surgeon"by Sidney M. Schwab (fellow blogger I might add)
9. One book you are currently reading? I too have a stack although mine are piled in my bedroom. Unfortunately all I have time to read these days are school books.....

What a Week

I know I haven't contiued my "story" from my earlier posts, but I just need to whine a bit about the worst week on record. First last Saturday the 17th was supposed to be a great day. My son's friend who had recently moved away was arriving and later that day I was going to a family reunion on my husband's side. Both sound quite pleasant and I was looking forward to it all. Well, sometime in the afternoon while waiting at the sirport for my son's friend one of my molars on the top right side of my mouth started to ache. I have had some trouble with this tooth before and I figured I would take some Ibuprofen and it would settle down. It didn't and only got worse as the day went on. Later that day I was going to be driving my son and his friend to a Major League Baseball game in a nearby large city. A light in my car had been indicating that I had at least one tire that was low on air so I decided I had better take care of it before heading out on the freeway. Mind you it was about 90+ degrees andf humid that day amd my tooth was aching something fierce. I pull up at my local gas station to fix the tire pressure. It was a nightmare, I was hot and agitated and the thing just wasn't working right so I decided it was best to leave this job to my husband. So I get in my car and crank the air and slowly start to leave and I hear a crunch...OMG I had hit something. There was a metal guard rail type thing ahead of me where I had parked. I couldn't see it from my rather tall SUV. Ok, frustrated I go home and call hubby who is still at the reunion...no biggy he says that is what insurance is for. I am now very relieved that he wasn't mad and went and drove my son and friend to the baseball game. I went back to the reunion and helped clean up and went home. I took some more Ibuprofen and added some tylenol also. This seemed to make me more comfortable and I went to bed. Sunday morning I get up to a raging toothache. I really do not know what to do at this point and the over the counter pain meds are not working and it is gettng much, much worse. I email the nurse online at the hospital to see what she thinks. I know that ER's do not want to handle this type of thing and the best I can hope for is stronger pain meds or shot or something. By this time I am beside myself in pain. The nurse writes back and say I should try their urgent care center and gives me the number, but also says that I can come to the er if needed. I call the urgent care place and the rudest nnurse tells me that hey do not do tooth pain...ok. My husband is worried and he starts calling every dentist in the book who says they have emergency service and leaves a couple of messeges. An hour goes by and I cannot take it anymore so we head for the er. I sign in and take my seat knowing full well that the er people hate this sort of thing, but I am desperate. No sooner had we sat down and my husband's cell phone rang. It was his dentist and he was out of town, but thought his associate would be able to help. She could and said she would meet us at the office in a half and hour. I was so happy to tell those not so sympathetic nurses that I was leaving the er to see a dentist. We go to the dentist which is very traumatic for me, but I have to go no choice anymore. Dr. Emily was very nice and happened to bring her husband, also a dentist to help. They checked me over, xrayed me and quickly decided that I needed a root canal. So they went about it. Of course I have to have a complication. There are 3 canals in a molar and after searching for quite sometime they could not find the 3rd. It was possible that I either didn't have one or that it had already died. So she left my tooth open and made an appointment to come back wednesday to finish the job. She assured me that my pain should be gone. I was so numb that I couldn't even close my right eye, but no longer in pain so I went home. When the numbness wore off I was in a tiny bit of pain, but nothing I couldnt handle after what I had endured Saturday and Sunday. I went about my business until Wednesday and returned to the dentist. She worked and worked and even got th "boss" dentist in to try, but never did find that last canal. They decided that since I had had braces before that it was possible that when that tooth was moved it killed off that missing canal so she gave me a tempoary cap and sent me on my way. They wanted to leave it for a few weeks to see what happens. Well that night when the numbing wore off I was in more pain than ever. I called her and she got me some strong pain medicine and said that sometimes that happens and if it isnt better by Friday I should call. Well it wasnt better it was worse. But 2 more lovely things to complicate my life happen on Thursday ....my 12 year old daughter went to an amusement park with my husband, son , son's friend and a friend of hers...I get a call in the afternoon from hubby who says daughter's glasses fell off while riding a huge roller coaster and there is no way to find them...ok great I will call eye doctor right now and get a replacement pair...problem solved. That night after everyone got home and we all went to be after midnight somebody broke into my husbands truck parked and locked in our driveway. The funny thing about it was that the only thing missing was the knobs that controlled the heat and air conditioning. Husband is stumped, perplexed and a bit paranoid wondering who would steal just knobs. Is somebody trying to send him a messege? There were plenty of other things in the truck of value...why knobs? Later that day I spoke with my neighbor and she told me that her husband's car had been broken into and that they got the stereo. Now my husband is a bit relieved knowing now that the thieves wanted the stereo and not some criptic messege to be sent to him..he is so funny sometimes. Long story short there has been a few of these break-ins in our neighborhood so we now have a neighborhood watch system in place. More work to do, but necessary.

Back to my tooth problem...I will finish this quickly. I ended up in so much pain and now a swollen cheek. They put me on strong antibiotics and more pain meds and then tried to get to the bottom of the problem...digging and digging in my poor tooth. I was at the dentist 5 times in 12 days. Swelling and pain in cheek just wouldn't go away! I finally realized what may be going on. This goes back to my back surgery story that I havent finished yet, but it has been determined that I am allergic to titanium. The screws they put in my back for the fusion were made out of it and I turned up allergic. Very rare I may add. This metal was considered a god send to surgeons because of the low allergic value. Well lucky me. Anyway it dawns on a friend of mine when I am telling her about my root canal saga. She said do you think all of this might be caused by your allergy?...light bulb moment here. They have been numbing my mouth numerous times with long metal needles and shoving little metal saws into my tooth to kill the root...metal over load. This is why my cheek is freaking out and why the antibiotics were not working....pain persisited until they stopped probing. So here I sit now with a temporary cap on the tooth giving it some time to calm down before they try again. I have had a little bit of pain from the tooth so they may need to go at it again one more time before I get my crown.
Ok enough whining...that story was almost 2 months ago and I finally finished it today. My luck has changed a bit since then. I really thought I was stuck under a dark cloud. Oh by the way because I had that minor fender bender my car insursance is going way up. God forbid we ever use the stuff (insurance).
Luck is so good these days I am going to play the $200 million + powerball lottery tonight. Mama needs some money to pay for school.
Wish me luck!
Bye for now.

The Surgery That Changed My Life

Ok so now the year is 2001 and I am sitting in the doctors office waiting for my doctor to come back and talk to me after I had my x-rays taken. I could hear two voices out in the hall and really didn't realize who it was until they said "she is going to need surgery at some point" It was my doctor and a colleague talking about me! My doctor came back in the room and to be honest with you the rest of that conversation was just a blur. She really didn't recommend anything. She prescribed pain relievers and muscle relaxers and sent me for an MRI. I went home took my pain meds when needed and the pain that sent me to the doctor subsided for the most part. I was still left with my "normal" back pain, but by now it had been so long I think I just had gotten used to it. The MRI results basically confirmed what the xrays had already said. I still wasn't working so I went about doing some home improvement projects that I had planned...namely putting a new floor in the kitchen, hall and laundry room of my house. This of course required me to be on my hands and knees for long periods of time removing the old flooring...(horrible job and I do not recommend doing it). It probably took me about a month to remove the old flooring and get the new floor in also. Right after this I was planning a 40th birthday party for my husband. I was happy to throw the party, but also excited about showing off my hard work in putting in the floor. I love to throw parties and work very hard to make sure that everything is perfect....I get totally stressed out doing it, but when my guests are pleased I am happy that I did all of the work. Life moves on, the weather gets nice out and I have a ton of projects planned for my backyard. I had projects planned for the backyard, but I could do them at my leisure so I thought at the time until husband's younger brother called and asked if we could host his small wedding reception in our backyard. I agreed to this adventure thinking at the time it it a catered affair so all I would have to do is clean my house and spruce up the yard. Well I went way beyond that and worked my tail off making sure everything was perfect. During all of this work I got a bad case of tendonitis (tennis elbow) from all of my yard work. I lived with that pain as well as my back pain until I couldn't take it anymore. I made an appointment to see my doctor. Doctor D is a female, she is about 4 years younger than I and I really do not know her very well since I rarely get sick and had recently switched to her when my original doc retired. I complained about my elbow which by now hurt even at rest. I don't know what it is about her, but she doesn't seem to have much compassion for people in pain. During our conversation I started to cry, she immediately asked if I was depressed? Why is it that when woman cries she is automatically depressed? I said no, I didn't think so I just couldn't take all of this pain anymore...My back or my elbow. She hemmed and hawed and then put me on steroids for my elbow and gave me a card for a rehab specialist to see about my back. The steroids worked almost immediately for my elbow, but they made me feel horrible. I finished the five day supply happy that my arm didn't hurt anymore and I made an appointment to see the rehab doctor. She was a nice woman who worked in an orthopaedic office in another nearby town. She took x-rays, gave me a corset to wear, sent me to Physical Therapy,had me tested for diabeties because I had some numbness in my feet, and gave me some mild pain pills. It turned out that I did not have diabeties, but they had to check. I saw her a few times, but my back didn't seem to be getting any better so she said I should go see an othopod. She said I could see someone in her office or she recommended an orthopod nearer to my home. I chose to go to one closer to home because the drive to nearby town was hard on my back. Sitting for any longer than 15 or 20 minutes was beginning to be torturous for me. I knew Dr B. When I was 14 he repaired my broken elbow and at 14 I thought this man was dreamy...LOL I broke my elbow ice skating and had to have surgery to repair it. I had a 2 inch screw and some wire put in and after a few months my arm was back to normal. I went to my appointment with Dr. B. He had aged quite a bit but he was still quite handsome. I showed him the xrays of my back which clearly showed a grade 2 slip of my L5-S1 (Spondylolisthesis), explained my symptoms and also told him about my recurring tendonitis in my elbow. I reminded him that he had repaired said elbow many years prior. He tried to find my old xrays, but they were in archives by now so they took a new xray of my elbow just to make sure it wasn't some complication from that. No my elbow looked fine on xray...He did some other tests on my arm and yes confirmed I had tendonitis....Duh. He had a girl from PT come in and show me some exercises to combat my problem(which eventually did work). Now for my back. He basically wrote me off...He told me to walk. Mind you I was a little over weight at the time BUT I had been walking faithfully 3 miles 5 days a week for over a year. I told him this and all he could really say is that surgery is a last resort for this kind of thing and that I should exercise as much as possible and lose some weight. Well let me tell you the crush I had on him at 14 quickly faded....Now I am thinking what a grumpy old doctor! I left his office feeling worse than when I came in. I went back to see the rehab lady again one more time. By now I am frustrated, my back bothers me more than ever and it is starting to really interfere with my life. She had one more thing for us to try. An epidural injection in my back. I wasn't really thrilled at the prospect of this, but I agreed. I had it done and the relief lasted maybe two days at best. I go back to tell her that the injection really didn't help and that it was traumatic and expensive and I really did not want to try again. This time she tells me to go back to the same ortho practice, but I should see Dr T...Why she didn't tell me this the first time I have no idea! So I waited a while and made the appointment. I went to see Dr T in the fall of 2003, yes this was about a two year journey. I liked him the moment he came in. He was friendly, funny and as confident as could be. He looked at my xrays and MRI and basically told me that since I had been through all of the non-surgical remedies without any help surgery was my only option. I don't know what I was expecting, but surgery kind of scared me. He said that he thought I was good candidate for a anterior/posterior lumbar fusion with instrumentation. He explained that they would be making an incision in my abdomen, remove what was left of my disc...Which wasn't much, and insert a cage to take up the space left behind. Then they would turn me over and do a laminectomy and fusion from the back side. I was stunned and overwhelmed. He told me to think about it and come back in a few weeks. I went home in a daze and began researching this whole thing. I spent hours online reading information, watching actual back surgeries on television and online. The whole thing was very scary, but the more knowledge I had under my belt the better I felt. My back was only getting worse. He told me that my spine was unstable and it was likely it would get more unstable as time went on. I was too young (40 at the time) to be so debilitated. So I put together a huge list of questions and went back to see him.....To be continued.

Time To Get Started

Well, I signed up quite some time ago to write my thoughts and all I ever seemed to do was read other blogger entries. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the blogs that I have found...mostly medical in nature. The reason I wanted to write my thoughts down was because I am at a turning point in my life. I will be 43 years old in a week or so and I have finally decided after a 21 year absence that I wish to go back and finish my undergrad degree, but the kicker is that this time I want to be pre-med. 20+ years ago I was a wide eyed art student...I finished my 3rd year of college and was lured away by a job offer managing a record store(I guess it would be a CD store now). I had worked there for years part-time and I absolutely loved it. I was tired of living at home and yearned to make some money. I realized at the time also that I was fooling myself thinking that I could make a living by drawing and painting, which was my talent at the time. I told myself that I would go back to school and finish my degree at some point.....
Fast forward to the year 2006, I now have been married for 18 years and have two children. I spent a good portion of my children's younger years at home with them. I thought it was important. I worked a few odd jobs, some from home some outside of home. When my youngest went to kindergarten I was asked to be a swim assistant at my local YWCA where I went nearly everyday to workout. I had to take a short class to prep for this duty. I loved swimming, the hours were perfect so I forged ahead. Quite rapidly my superiors at the Y talked me into becoming a lifeguard and Red Cross Water Safety Instructor. Here I was 38 years old and in classes with 15 year olds becoming a lifeguard...it was hilarious, but I excelled at it and got all of my certifications. I worked at the YWCA for 3 years until a back condition sidelined me and I felt it was no longer smart to dive down 9 feet to pick people up off of the bottom of the pool . I took about a year off from working, thank god for my hard working husband who affords me lapses in employment. At this same time I started to notice that my back pain was getting worse. I mostly ignored my gradual decline in health where my back was concerned until one day I could hardly move. I woke up that way and couldnt think of anything I had done to cause such a drastic change. So in 2001 I went to see the doctor who after asking me a few questions and could see that I was in pain sent me for x-rays. I have had back x-rays before and was actually told many years prior to this that I had a congenital defect in my back, nothing serious of course and that it may or may not cause me any future problems. At that time the doctor didn't think it was what was causing my back pain, but that I had muscle spasms so he prescribed muscle relaxers and a short course of physical therapy. I was fine for many years after that. But in 2001 when the doctor asked if I had any pain going down my legs and I said yes she sent me for more x-rays.....this is where my journey to spinal fusion begins and how it affects who I am today.